Reclaiming Self-Care

boundaries end weight stigma holistic health mental health mindfulness realistic self care relationships therapy toxic trait values focused windwaterwellness Feb 17, 2025

Finding Balance Amidst Toxic Culture

I came across a couple of posts recently from @sensible_amber, a psychologist and researcher that posts a lot about boundaries on TikTok and Instagram and has a new book, "Beyond Self-Care Potato Chips: Choosing Nourishing Self-Care in a Quick-Fix Culture":

"We love to talk about the types of self-care that require hubris, like setting boundaries and standing up for ourselves. Let’s not forget to also talk about the self-care that requires humility, like receiving others' boundaries with grace, resolving conflict, and meeting in the middle."

And another one from Dr. Wardell: "Toxic self-care culture has some of us only focusing on one of these lists and the outcome is not good either way:"

Setting boundaries
Protecting your peace
Going no contact
Putting yourself first

...Or...

Conflict resolution
Perspective keeping
Emotional maturity
Cooperation/Compromise

Toxic self-care culture has us forgetting the importance of balance when working on these skills. Real self-care isn’t just about putting yourself first or being a boundary-setting ninja. It’s also about maintaining those loving, safe, and positive connections with others. Lean too hard on one side, and you’re missing the point. #healing #boundaries #beyondselfcarepotatochips

Once upon a time, self-care meant doing something to preserve your mental and physical health—taking a walk, enjoying a quiet moment, maybe even saying “no” to your overbearing coworker Karen’s 5th potluck of the month. But somehow, along the way, self-care turned into a $450 skincare routine, a six-step journaling process, and the need to broadcast every “zen moment” on Instagram.

Welcome to the dark side of self-care: a toxic wellness culture that tells you you’re failing at life unless your me time is both aesthetically pleasing and productivity-enhancing. Spoiler alert: This isn’t care; it’s capitalism in a lavender-scented disguise.

Let’s unpack six aspects of toxic self-care culture and, more importantly, how to reclaim self-care in a way that’s actually helpful—not harmful.

6 Signs of Toxic Self-Care Culture

1. The Pressure to Perform “Perfect Self-Care”

Have you ever felt like your self-care wasn’t good enough because it didn’t look like a Pinterest board? Toxic self-care culture thrives on perfectionism, convincing us that if our routines aren’t flawless (and photogenic), we’re doing it wrong.

This mindset turns self-care into a chore—yet another thing on your never-ending to-do list—and drains the joy right out of it.

2. “Hustle Culture” in Disguise

Ah, the irony. Self-care is supposed to help us slow down and recover, but toxic wellness culture has managed to turn it into a productivity hack. The message? Meditate so you can work harder. Sleep better so you can get more done. Schedule your “relaxation time” into your meticulously color-coded planner.

It’s not about feeling good; it’s about optimizing yourself into oblivion.

3. The “Buy This, Fix Yourself” Mentality

Let’s be honest: the self-care industry is big business. From $50 candles to $300 yoga retreats, the wellness world loves to sell the idea that happiness is just one purchase away.

But the truth is, no amount of Himalayan salt lamps or jade rollers can replace actual self-care practices like setting boundaries or asking for help. (Though if a jade roller does fix your life, please let us know. We have questions.)

4. Guilt and Shame Masquerading as Motivation

Ever scrolled past a “self-care” post and thought, Wow, I must be a failure for not drinking a green smoothie every morning while journaling about my intentions under the sunrise? Toxic self-care thrives on guilt, making you feel like you’re not doing enough—or worse, like you’re not enough—if you don’t follow the latest wellness trends.

5. Exclusionary Practices

A lot of what’s marketed as self-care assumes you have endless free time, disposable income, and access to luxury wellness spaces. Spoiler: Most people don’t. Toxic self-care culture ignores the reality of socioeconomic barriers, creating an elitist narrative that’s neither inclusive nor realistic.

6. Ignoring Mental Health Realities

Finally, toxic self-care often oversimplifies complex issues. Struggling with anxiety? Just meditate! Feeling depressed? Try yoga! While these tools can be helpful, they’re not a cure-all, and suggesting otherwise minimizes the very real challenges people face.

Reclaiming Self-Care: Two Alternatives and Actionable Ideas

Now that we’ve identified the problem, let’s talk about solutions. Here are two alternative thoughts to toxic self-care, along with actionable ways to incorporate them into your life.

Self-Care Is About Meeting Your Needs, Not Checking Boxes

Let’s strip self-care back to its essence: taking care of your needs, whatever those might be in the moment. Maybe you need rest. Maybe you need connection. Maybe you need a snack and a nap (who doesn’t?).

Actionable Idea: Try the “Check-In” Method

Here’s a radical thought: Instead of following a pre-scripted self-care routine, pause and ask yourself, “What do I actually need right now?”

To do this:

Take 30 seconds to close your eyes and breathe.
Check in with your body (Am I hungry? Tired? Stressed?).
Check in with your emotions (Am I overwhelmed? Lonely? Irritated?).
Choose one small action to address that need.

Examples:

If you’re hungry, eat something simple—no need for a kale salad unless you’re actually craving it.
If you’re stressed, take a 5-minute break to stretch, breathe, or just stare at the ceiling.

The goal isn’t to do it perfectly; it’s to do what’s most helpful in the moment.

Self-Care Doesn’t Have to Cost a Dime

Newsflash: Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. And the best forms of self-care don’t require a credit card. (Sorry, Goop.)

Actionable Idea: Build a “No-Cost Care List”

Create a list of free, accessible self-care activities that bring you comfort or joy. These can be as simple as:

Taking a walk around the block.
Calling a friend for a quick chat.
Listening to your favorite song and dancing like no one’s watching (bonus points if someone is watching).
Journaling your thoughts, not for Instagram but just for you.
Drinking water and marveling at how hydrated you feel.

Keep this list somewhere visible—on your fridge, your phone, or tattooed on your forearm (kidding, unless you’re into that). When you’re feeling overwhelmed, pick one thing and give yourself permission to do it guilt-free.

Additional Thoughts on Sustainable Self-Care

Because two alternatives are just the beginning, here are a few more ideas to keep your self-care game strong:

1. Focus on Quality Over Quantity

You don’t need a 12-step routine to feel good. One meaningful act of care is better than a dozen half-hearted ones.

Example: Instead of trying to meditate, journal, and do yoga in one morning, pick the one that feels most helpful and give it your full attention.

2. Normalize “Messy” Self-Care

Sometimes self-care isn’t pretty. It’s crying in the shower, eating cereal for dinner, or telling someone “no” and feeling weird about it. And that’s okay. Real self-care is messy, imperfect, and deeply human.

3. Seek Professional Support When Needed

There’s no shame in recognizing when self-care isn’t enough. Therapy, support groups, and other resources can provide the tools you need to navigate life’s challenges. Think of it as the ultimate act of self-care—investing in your well-being long-term.

Taking Back Self-Care from Toxic Culture

Self-care shouldn’t be stressful, guilt-inducing, or Instagram-worthy. It’s not about fitting into someone else’s idea of wellness; it’s about figuring out what works for you.

So let’s reclaim self-care for what it really is: a way to nourish yourself, meet your needs, and show up for your life with a little more ease. Whether that looks like a nap, a walk, or a much-needed vent session with a friend, remember this: You’re allowed to take care of yourself in the way that feels right for you.

Now go ahead and pour that glass of water, take that deep breath, or delete that influencer’s wellness advice from your feed. You’ve got this.